quote:

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Originally posted by JoshSherman:
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Bentiko:
How many Polish can be able to take off the light bulb from the ceiling?

It's depend. At least ten Polish to lift up the house and turn.

One day, there is a American, Russian, and Polish up in the tallest mountain and saw a lamp. The Polish rubbed the lamp, and out came the genie. The genie granted them one wish for any choice, just for releasing the genie from the lamp after a long year. But the genie told them, in order to make the wish come true, he must run down the mountain saying out his wish and his wish will be grant. First, the American run down and wished to be an eagle so he can be everlasting soar through the sky. And poof, the American became an eagle and out he soar. The Russian said that was nothing and run down the mountain and wished to be a bear so that he can eat all this fish he want. And poff, the Russian became a bear. The Polish said that he can beat both of them and run down the mountain. As the Polish run down, screaming "I wish I could", he tripped over a rock, "Oh, ****!". Poof, out he became a ****.

---

The version of this joke that I know involves three friends by the name of Harry, Dick, and Moe. Harry jumps down the mountain, says he wants a lot of money, and walks away rich. Dick wants to be surrounded by beautiful women, and walks away feeling like a pimp.

Moe can't see any of this, being at the top of the mountain, and is curious as to whether they're alright. So, he walks over to the edge and calls out their names. A gust blows Moe off balance, and he falls down the mountain.

quote:

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Originally posted by crazyturk:
[B/]Well, if blonde jokes are allright... [/B]

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Q: Why do blondes where green lipstick?
A: Red means stop.

It's kind of old, but I can't help but laugh every time I think of it. There was a girl in my high school class that was blonde. She had green eyes and one time decided to dye her hair green, wear a shirt that said 'Green-Eyed Goddess' and put on green lipstick.

"I want to be gorgeous." says the hellpig at the front of the line. God snaps his fingers, and she is beautiful.

The second person see this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too!" Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

"Ok class, at the end of the day I'm going to ask you all a question. Whoever can get the answer EXACTLY right doesn't have to come to school Tuesday."

Well Jonny being a smartaleck who really doesn't like school thinks to himself,

"This teacher is dumb. I'm going to get the question every week and never have to come to school on Mondays!"

Well the end of the day comes and the kids are just bubbling with excitement. The teacher announces that the kids should pack up their bags and put their papers in their desks, it's time for the question.

A wave of excitement goes through the room and the teacher begins: "The question for today class, is how many stars are there in the sky?"

The kids are visibly upset, as nobody could answer that question. Jonny in particular is just fuming. The teacher says, "See you on Monday, class."

Well another boring week of school passes and on Friday, the same thing happens...and the teacher says: "The question for today class, is how many grains of sand are there on all the beachers in the world."

Monday, the class trudges in, again upset that they have to come to school. By Friday everybody is excited again only to be disappointed when the teacher says, "Alright, class: how many snowflakes are there on all of Mt. Everest."

Over the weekend, Jonny is so upset that he decided he had to do something about this. He goes into his basement to his pingpong table and takes two pingpong balls. He spraypaints them black and lets them dry. He sticks them into his pockets and waits. On Monday, when all the other kids are visibly upset about having to be in school, Jonny is happy. The teacher notices this difference but thinks nothing of it. By Friday, Jonny is the happiest little boy in the class and the teacher still can't figure out why.

The day comes to an end and the teacher announces, "Alright class, pack up your bags, put your papers in your desk, it's time for the question of the week."

No sooner had the teacher turned around to write the question of the week on the board, then Jonny take the two pingpong balls out of his pocket and launches them at the teacher. They hit the blackboard, bounce off, and roll back towards the class.

The teacher turns around in anger and asks, "Alright, who's the commedian with the black balls?!"

Jonny jumps out of his seat and says loudly, "Billy Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

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quote:

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Originally posted by x0x2k1:
Best one liner ever:

Q: What did the deaf, blind, quadraplegic orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

I know I'm going to hell but it cracks me up everytime.

---

I'm probably going to get smacked for this one but being that tastless jokes have been posted here I go ...

Q: What is better than winning the gold medal at the para-Olympics.

A: The ability to walk.

Johnny jokes Rock here is my farourite.

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day. The teacher starts the Language Arts lesson with some word usage. The word for this less is definately.

The teacher starts picking people to give answers. As she works her way through class she avoids Johnny because he never has nothing good to say. But after she picks everyone, Johnny is sitting there frantically waiving his hand.

She thinks about it for a moment then decides that there is no way he can manipulate this. So she says "Johnny what is your sentance using definately?"

Johnny says "Teacher, do farts have lumps?"

"Johnny, what kind of question is that? Of course they don't", replies the teacher.

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When It Absolutely, Positively Must Be DESTROYED Overnight -- Call The Marines

After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??

"No", said little Aaron.

WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.

Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

Having worked in the gardens of the monastery, they decide to open up a little shop that sells roses, carnations, and orchids. Business is going well, and there are no problems until they buy an exotic plant to sell in the middle of the store. One of the villagers is visiting with her children when her daughter is snatched up by the plant and promptly eaten on the spot. She, of course, goes into hysterics and begins to cry and yell at the monks who just shrug their shoulders in disbelief. She rallies the support of many of her friends who want the store to close, but the monks won't budge. The woman goes to the mayor of the town, Hugh Strickland, to complain, but he doesn't believe her either. A few weeks pass without incident when another mother has her child eaten up by the mysterious plant. She gets everyone in the village to demand that the store close, but no one can do anything. She pleads with the mayor who dismisses her claim. Then, the mayor is touring the village when he witnesses firsthand a *third* child being consumed. He immediately ousts the two saddened monks who return to the monastery never to return.

Which goes to prove:

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

--

Three men who all work together putting up high-rise buildings eat lunch every day. The first man looks at his lunch and sighs.

"Every single day, I get a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. I swear, if my wife makes me one more, I'm just going to jump off this building."

The second man nods in agreement.

"I get a tuna fish sandwich every day. I think it's the only thing my wife can make."

The third man also shares. "Every single day, it's a grilled-cheese sandwich. I'm sick of it."

The next day they men meet for lunch, and much to their dismay, they all find the same lunches. So, they all leap off the building to their deaths.

The wives of the men are all called to the scene to identify their husbands' bodies and when they learn their motives, two of the wives are are even more grief-stricken, while the third is simply angry. The first wife tells the others, "If only I had known. I would have made him something else." The second wife says, "I would have learned how to make something else, but he never complained." The third wife is befuddled. "If only he had let me prepare his lunches for him instead of making them himself."

--

A farmer was a poor, but hard-working man who barely had two pennies to rub together, but he had a loyal dog by his side whom he loved very much named Mace. In his old age, the dog had taken to a strange habit: he would eat grass, not unlike a goat. The farmer tried to break him of his habit, but to no avail.

Then, one day, he was working on his tractor in the middle of a field when he dropped one of his tools and despite searching for it, he couldn't find it in the tall weeds. Sadly, he gave up the search and resigned him to visit the hardware store the next day. When we woke up the next morning, there was his faithful dog waiting on the porch, with his missing wrench in his jaws, and there was a noticeable are in the field that had obviously been eaten away.

The man was overjoyed and could only exclaim:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me..."

--

An old man, faithful to his wife Lorraine, believing in the wedding vows including the whole "...till death do us part" met a wonderful single woman named Clearly. She was very nice and he was attracted to her, but also didn't dream of leaving his wife. Not long after, his wife fell ill. For months, she slowly faded, and in that time, he came to her bedside every day to talk with her. On her deathbed, she told him that after she died, she wanted him to be happy, and that meant finding a new companion if he could. She died after that and at the funeral, the man was oddly happy, much to the confusion of his friends. When pressed, the man told them, "Don't you get it? I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone..."

--

In the days before Viagara, a man, dismayed at his inablility to perform for his wife, goes to his doctor who tells him there is nothing that can be done. However, he hears that there is another man who operates a special shop that sells potions and other cures that could help him. The apothecary tells him that he can brew a special potion, but the terrible downside is that he can only use it three times before he dies. The words "beep beep" just before sex will get hims started, and then the words "beep beep" again will finish things.

Wary of this strange cure, the man tries it out in his car, saying to himself "beep beep". To his amazement, it works. He says "beep beep" again, then drives home. He tells his wife he has some wonderful news and that night they make love, with him saying "beep beep" before they turn out the lights, and then saying "beep beep" when they're done.

God- "Adam, I will create the perfect mate for you. She will be caring, understanding, supportive, beautiful,and intelligent."

Adam- "That's great! Is there anything you need from me?"

God- "I will need to use your left arm, right leg, and one of your eyes.

Adam- "Hrm. What can I get for a rib?"

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"Time to go to war again..."

Murphy was an Irishman who owned a hardware shop. He got on OK, but he wanted to try and make a bit more money, so he hired an advertising company to come and make a TV ad for his especially strong brand of nails.

After a couple of weeks, the phone rang and the ad co. told Murphy his ad would be on TV that night. Excited, Murphy turns on the TV and his ad comes on: It shows Jesus Christ being nailed to the cross with the text 'Murphy's Nails' underneath it.

Of course, Murphy gets on the phone to the ad company and screams the house down, 'YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT! MAKE ME ANOTHER AD IMMEDIATELY' The ad co. back down and say ok ok, no problem.

The next day the old woman drops dead of a heart attack.

The next night as the little girl is saying her prayers she ends with "...and God bless grandpa."

Grandpa drops dead the next day.

The next night as she's going to bed she ends with "...and God bless daddy."

Her father hears this and the next day is overly careful. He's nervous the whole day, driving carefully, watching his step, and he makes it home without incident. However he sees an ambulance outside his house.

"What happened?" he asks a police officer on the scene.

Doctor- "I'm afraid we've diagnosed you with cancer."

Patient- " Oh my goodness!"

Doctor- "Also, it seems you have alzheimers."

Patient- "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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quote:

---

Originally posted by 2fast4u:
a bear is taking a dump with a rabbit. then looks down at the rabbit and says, "hey do you mind having poo on you?"
the rabbit then replies,"no not at all." then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with the rabbit.

---

Err...that makes no sense to me. The way I've always heard it was "Do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?"

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quote:

---

Originally posted by nderdog:
Err...that makes no sense to me. The way I've always heard it was "Do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?"

---

The offending posts have been deleted.

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When It Absolutely, Positively Must Be DESTROYED Overnight -- Call The Marines

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Greenbay Packers this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

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quote:

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Originally posted by norrinrad:
A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Greenbay Packers this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

---

Eh, should have been the Houstan Texans.

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The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."

And the blonde said:, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

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