A mushroom walks in to a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom looks at him and says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

quote:

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Originally posted by KGtheLegend:
These are in honor of a recently deceased friend of mine who would crack himself up every time he told them. I know they're terrible.

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Sorry to hear about your friend. I cracked a smile about the 2nd one

A guy sits in a bar getting wasted. He lost his job today, his girlfriend moved out and his friends haven't shown up to support him at the bar. He shoots down everything in the bar until it closes and the bartender says: "Look man, you gotta go home now and sleep it off, it's been a tough day but tomorrow you have a fresh start, now off you go".
With a snort and some unidentified mumbling the guy reluctantly leaves the bar, still very agitated about everything when he spots a non on the other side of the street. With unnatural speed for a drunk person he shoots across the road and flying kicks her right in the back and after giving her two pounds with his fist he screams at her: "Yeah, not so tough now are you Batman!?"

__________________
I'm a geek, you're a geek. Let's trade.

"Morton," says the Doc. "I got some bad news for you. You've got HIV"

"Ya kiddin me Doc," Morton replies devastated. "But I can't have HIV."

"Yes," says the Doc. "I'm Sorry but you've got HIV. As far as it's progressed I would estimate you've only got a month to live."

"Oh Doc ya gotta be f***ing kidding me. There's gotta be something we can do?"

"I'm sorry Morton," answered the Doc, "There's nothing. HIV is incurable."

Resigned to the fact that he's soon about to pass Morton's fears turn to his family and what to tell them.

"Doc whadda I say to my family and my mates?" asked Morton. "I can't tell em i got the HIV. Isn't there something else I can tell em?"

"Sorry Morton it's HIV." said the Doc.

"C'mon Doc there's gotta be something."

"Wait there Morton." said the Doc "I was looking through my paperwork the other day and i noticed it was called C27 on this one document. Maybe you can tell your family you've got that. Tell them C27."

Distraught Morton heads home from the Doc's. Heading home he passes his local pub and decides a drink will dull his thoughts. He gets a beer from the bartender and decides to have a slap of a pokie machine.

He sits down and first spin wins a jackpot of $5,000.

"That'd be f***'n right"

He keeps on playing and next thing you know wins another jackpot for $10,000.

"You gotta be kiddin me!!!"

The gaming attendant comes over

"You've got to be the luckiest bloke in the world." says the gaming attendant.

"LUCKY?!?!?!" storms Morton. "I've just found out I've only got one f***'n month to live!!!"

"Why?" asks the gaming attendant. "What've you got?"

"C27!" replies Morton

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

WeedIan: Jazaray is like MOTL's Mom.

quote:

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Originally posted by Jazaray:
I don't get it... Is it some Australian thing?

Thanks,
Jazaray

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Honestly, I don't get it either. :/

__________________
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

WeedIan: Jazaray is like MOTL's Mom.

quote:

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Originally posted by Jazaray:
I'm STILL waiting for someone to explain that joke...

Thanks,
Jazaray

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It's a bar/gambling joke....sometimes bars have raffles. Not always a meat tray...but something they raffle off on given nights. Like...he says he has c27...other guy thinks that's his raffle ticket number, which is the winner.

It's not exactly the best of jokes but I got it. Would have been easier to explain/get had he walked into a bingo hall after winning the lotto and said he has I 49 or something.

quote:

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Originally posted by Jazaray:
I'm STILL waiting for someone to explain that joke...

Thanks,
Jazaray

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Pretty much all raffles etc down here are run on those tickets. They have a letter followed by 001-100 as a number and prizes are normally announced as "Letter Number" eg in the picture it would be E48.

A boy walks up to a girl he likes, she kinda likes him too.

The boy goes....
"did you know that there are 20 letters in the alphabet?"

The girl goes...

"that's not right silly! There are 26, you are missing a few."

The boy goes..."Oh right! I forgot U R A Q T."

The girl laughs..."I think you are still forgetting one!"

The Boy..."Nah, you'll get the D later."

quote:

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Originally posted by skizzikmonger:
Rejected Dr Seuss Books:
-Horton Hires a Ho
-The Cat in the Blender
-The Grinche's Ten Inches
-Who **** in the Hat?
-Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
-Aunts in my Pants

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LOL, I love Dr. Seuss . This would be great!

A woman walks into a sports bar, packed with men. She climbs on top of the pool table, rips off her shirt which she throws on the floor exposing her naked upper body and shouts: "Which one of you men wants to make me feel like a real woman!?"
One of the guys glances at her, picks up her shirt, tosses it back and says: "Here, go home and iron that".

[awaiting Jaz rant.. ]

The Brit says, "We've got so much tea in Britain, I'm going to throw this crate of tea off the plane."

And he does.

The Mexican says, "We've got so much tequila in Mexico, I'm going to throw this crate off the plane."

And he does.

The two look at the redneck, who takes the Mexican and throws him off the plane.

The redneck says, "he slept with my wife."

quote:

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Originally posted by AEther Storm:

[awaiting Jaz rant.. ]

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Aw come on! I'm not THAT bad!

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

WeedIan: Jazaray is like MOTL's Mom.

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your parrot is definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the old lady.

quote:

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Originally posted by keywacat:
Why does the Navy have Marines on ship?

Because sheep are too obvious.

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Oooooo Nder is so going to murder you.

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

WeedIan: Jazaray is like MOTL's Mom.

quote:

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Originally posted by Jazaray:
Oooooo Nder is so going to murder you.

Thanks,
Jazaray

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quote:

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Originally posted by keywacat:
Why does the Navy have Marines on ship?
Because sheep are too obvious.

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What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment
or
Muscle Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected

I've never quite understood why Navy thinks that My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment is insulting to Marines instead of the Navy. I mean it's just further proof that the Navy is the USMC's Taxi Service.

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There's no need to fear, UNDERDOG is here!

All your Gruul Nodorogs are belong to me. Trade them to me, please!

Report rules violations.

http://classic.magictraders.com/ubb/Forum8/HTML/002091.html

__________________
"He fights you not because you have wronged him, but because you are there."

quote:

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Originally posted by keywacat:
Why does the Navy have Marines on ship?

Because sheep are too obvious.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Jazaray:
Oooooo Nder is so going to murder you.

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Nder was a Devil-Dog? Kind of explains a few things, I suppose.

edit: I should probably give up that I spent 3 years at Camp Pendleton attending to the medical needs and sporadic whinging from the gun rocks of Bravo 1/11.