quote:

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Originally posted by Andarion:
what do you call a joke with no punch line?

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Better than some of the "jokes" in this thread.

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"Mom" says the boy upon finding her in the kitchen, "Would you sleep with Mel Gibson for a million dollars?" "Sweetie" she says, "Don't tell your father, but I'd sleep with Mel Gibson for a quarter." The boy then runs off to find his sister. "Hey sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" He asked her. "Ohh, I'd sleep with him for a quarter!" was her response.

The boy then runs back to his father, "Dad, Dad, I think I got it." "Hit me." Says the father. "Potentially," said the boy, "We're living with a couple of millionairres. Realistically, we're living with a couple of two-bit *****s"

Edit: ***** = 5 letter word for street walker.
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They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...
ugg...that joke is just crusty...

(No offense, just had an old feminist teacher, and somebody cracked me up with that one)

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quote:

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Originally posted by oneofchaos:
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change anything!

(No offense, just had an old feminist teacher, and somebody cracked me up with that one)

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I've heard a similar version. It goes like this:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

At this point, make sure that you have a good humored feminist that is in on the joke. They'll step in and go "HEY! That's not funny!" People will be shaken up for a sec, but then they'll get it. My dad used to pull this on in college.

Pharmacist: "She's 12 and she's sexually active?"

Dad: "Not really, she usually just lays there like her mother"

here is a really good one

why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

quote:

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Originally posted by nderdog:
I guess I need to show ya'll what a funny joke looks like.

A man walks into a bar at the top of the Stratosphere. He sits down next to a guy who's obviously been there for a while and is totally hammered. The drunk looks over and says "Hey buddy, wanna know a secret? Because of the wind currents here, if you jump off of the tower, you'll get pushed right back up." The guy just laughs and orders a drink. The drunk says "You don't believe me, huh? C'mon, I'll prove it." They head outside, and the drunk jumps, much to the man's horror. A few seconds later, sure enough, the drunk is pushed right back up. The guy just shakes his head and says "I need another drink!" About 3 beers later, the drunk says "You know you want to try that, don't you?" The man just says no and orders another beer. After a few beers, the man finally gets enough liquid courage, and heads out to try. He jumps off and...a few seconds later he hits the ground and is killed. As the drunk walks back into the bar, the bartender says "Man, you're one mean drunk, Superman!"

Superman was bored out of his mind, so he decided to fly around the city and just see what's up. He passed Wonder Woman's window, and saw she was buck-naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The invisible man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

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What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a painting

Jesus walks into a Motel 6, lays three big nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

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Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life. Open my eyes and blind me with your light
and your lies.

Its the last day of school and the teacher has run out of stuff to teach so she comes up with a plan

"well since we have nothing to do I will let you children answer questions for a pass out of class"

Billy gets really excited about this because he knows he is the smartest kid in the class

the teacher asks "who said four score and seven years ago..." and sally beats billy to it and yells out Abraham Lincoln

Billy is pretty mad but he sits tight

then the teacher askes "who said I have a dream..." and little kelly jumps up and yells martin luther king! and leaves class

Billy starts getting very irritated

Next the teacher askes who said "I am the State" and before Billy could say a word Emily jumped up and yelled louis XIV

quote:

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Originally posted by saxman2001:
The two I remember off the top of my head:

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a painting

Jesus walks into a Motel 6, lays three big nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

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Wow. Just wow. I mean some people are Christian on these boards...how would you like it if I started ripping into Jews? Blacks? or Homosexuals? I mean seriously, I don't care what you say really but, is there some sort of line set that you shouldnt be able to cross?

quote:

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Originally posted by daner:
Wow. Just wow. I mean some people are Christian on these boards...how would you like it if I started ripping into Jews? Blacks? or Homosexuals? I mean seriously, I don't care what you say really but, is there some sort of line set that you shouldnt be able to cross?

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Q: What did the deaf, blind, quadraplegic orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

Q: What is better than winning the gold medal at the para-Olympics.
A: The ability to walk.

But mine went too far? Let's at least be fair.

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and your lies.

Q. What is the worst thing about 4 feminists going off a cliff in a buic?
A. A Buic seats 5.

quote:

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Originally posted by TheMidnightBomber:
Q. Whats the best thing about sex with forty-eight year olds?
A. There's forty of them.

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Worst.
Joke.
Ever.

Worst Joke Evar

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1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

quote:

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Originally posted by saxman2001:
Q: What did the deaf, blind, quadraplegic orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

Q: What is better than winning the gold medal at the para-Olympics.
A: The ability to walk.

But mine went too far? Let's at least be fair.

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No, you didn't directly assualt somes's race, color, ethnicity, or religion which by MOTL rules I thought was not allowed.

Hey, trust me, I use horrible words and say horrible things on a daily basis, but I don't truly hate the things I make fun of or rip on. I'm just saying where do you draw a line based on the rules of this website? If A can make fun of Christ then B can make fun of homosexuality, and C can make fun of race/color. I'm just saying where do you make the line before someone goes way overboard!

here I'll post a joke just so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to burst a bubble(Hell I lol'd at the joke about Christ)

A guy wakes up one day and decides he has a drinking problem and needs to seek help. He goes to the doctor and explains he needs treatment for alcoholism. The doctor says why do you think you have alcoholism? The man replies I usually get really drunk and blow chunks. The doctor replies that if the man keeps getting sick that it's natural and he's probably just a light drinker, and tells him to try and slow it down. The man says "No you idiot, Chunks is my DOG!!!"

EDIT: and here's some more for good measure

(For the record I am Polish, ok, I'm not picking on anyone)

Q: How do you get a one-armed Polish guy out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.

PARTAY!!!!

A: The wheelchair.

And some corny math jokes:

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting outside a cafe having a cup of coffee. As they sit there they watch two people walk into the cafe. A couple of minutes later, they watch three people walk out of the cafe.

The physicist says, "The original observation must have been flawed."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were in there."
And the mathematician says, "Now if exactly one more person enters the cafe, it will be empty again."

quote:

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Originally posted by Montague:
One day 3 people died in a car crash: GMontag, Rockondon, Daner. They were immeadiatly taken to heaven where they were met by Jesus. Jesus says, " Do anything you want as long as you never step on a duck". So the three people went thru the pearly gate and they were amazed that the ground was completly covered with ducks. The next day GMontag stepped on a duck and was met by jesus who handcuffed him to one of the ugliest girls he has ever seen. Jesus says, "as punishment for stepping on a duck you must now be handcuffed to this ugly girl for the rest of eternity"! Later Rockondon stepped on a duck and was also handcuffed to the ugliest girl he had ever seen. Daner just kind of laughed at them and was very careful not to step on any ducks. A week later while they were all standing there Jesus came to daner and handcuffed the most beautiful girl he had ever seen to his arm. "Wow, what in the world did I do to deserve this", Daner asked. the girl answers, "well I dont know what you did, but I stepped on a duck"!

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I lol'd

quote:

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Originally posted by GMontag:
Q: What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

A: The wheelchair.

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I don't get it...

anyways

A priest, a liar, and a pedophile walk into a bar...