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Author	Topic: The Joke Thread
MeddlingMage Member	posted August 17, 2011 02:30 PM quote: Originally posted by rvngrsgrl76: A mushroom walks into a bar room. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says; "Sorry, but we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies; "Oh, come on guy, i just want a beer." So, the bartender repeats himself. The mushroom replies; " Why not!? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!" I know it's lame but i still LOL. revenger's girl? ~MM __________________ I am MeddlingMage...YOUR Motl Survivor 11 Champion, 2007 Captain N award winner, 2010 Marlboro award winner. CM Punk "OMG Kevin Nash WTF, thought he was dead, LOL" New keeper of the Logout button
Nyarlathotep333 Member	posted August 17, 2011 04:19 PM There once was this bartender who owned a little dog. The little dog was very well loved by all the patrons in the bar. Finally, after a living a long and happy life, the dog finally dies of old age. It was a sad night at the bar, but to commemorate the little dog's memory the bartender and the patrons decided to cut off the dogs tail and have it mounted on the wall before they buried the little dog. At the end of the day, after the last of the patrons departs and the bar closes, the ghost of the little dog heads up to the pearly gates and as he starts to walk through he is stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter asks him where he thinks he's going. The little dog, somewhat surprised, says "I've been a good dog and want to enter heaven now." St. Peter says "Oh, little dog, I'm sorry to tell you that you are incomplete. You are missing your tail and we can't let you in until you have all your parts with you. The little dog is very upset when he hears this, but figuring that he can't do much else he heads back to earth to retrieve his tail. By the time the little dog arrives back on earth and finds his way to his master's house it's 4:00 in the morning. The bartender answers the door sleepily and when he sees the little dog he exclaims "Oh, little dog! It's good to see you again, but why are you back here on earth? Shouldn't you be up in heaven?" The little dog sadly explains his reasons for coming back and politely asks for his tail back but the bartender shakes his head and says "Oh no little dog I can't let you have your tail back right now." "Why not?" asks the little dog angrily. "Haven't I been a good and faithful companion? Wasn't I well loved by everyone? Why would you not let me have my tail back when I need it to get into heaven?" The bartender shakes his head again and says "Oh I can't do that little dog. I'm not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours."
speechjew Member	posted August 17, 2011 04:44 PM Rick Perry. that's the joke.
Bugger Member	posted August 17, 2011 04:50 PM A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He looks around as he swigs his beer and notices a fellow at the other end of the bar with an absolutely gigantic, orange head. Intrigued, he walks over to him, sits down, and they strike up a conversation. They make small talk for a bit, and then the man with the giant orange head says "look, I know why you came over here. You want to know the story behind the head, right?" The man is a bit embarrassed but says "yeah, if you're not offended or anything..." "Nah, I'll tell you" says the man with the big orange head. "I was walking along the beach one time when I stubbed my toe on something buried in the sand. I took it out and cleaned it off and saw that it was an old oil lamp. Immediately a genie appeared from its spout and informed me that he was so grateful I had freed him from his prison that he would grant me any three wishes I desired. So, I wished to be fabulously wealthy. 'It shall be done' boomed the genie, and as he spoke my pockets swelled with gold, my bank account sprang into the millions, and I've been rich ever since. For my second wish, I asked for the most beautiful woman in all of creation to be my wife. And lo and behold, the ocean parted before us and out walked the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and we've been happily married ever since. "Now, I only had one more wish left at this point," said the man with the gigantic orange head, "and you may think this is where I went wrong. You see, I wished for a big orange head." __________________ "I never got any respect at all. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them." -- Rodney Dangerfield
yakusoku Member	posted August 17, 2011 04:56 PM A traveler was headed down a lonely road when it began to rain. Luckily he happened upon a monastery just off the side of the road. He knocked on the door and was greeted by one of the monks. He asked if he could stay the night, to which the monk replied that their order would gladly shelter him, as long as he stayed out of the tower with no doors. As he settled down for the night he suddenly heard an ungodly noise coming from the tower the monk mentioned, a cross between screaming and the wind on aluminum foil. Then suddenly it stopped and he soon fell asleep. He awoke refreshed and asked one of the monks about the sound, but the monk replied that only monks of their monastery may know what is in the tower. He thanked the monks for their hospitality and went on his way. About a year later he returned to the monastery and asked about becoming a monk. The head monk replied that if he would aid the monastery in small ways they would consider him. So for the next five years he helped tend the gardens, clean the windows, and learn of the monks' religion. He even once helped them recover a holy relic to be housed in the monastery. Eventually the head monk told the traveler he was ready to become a monk and initiated him. The monks recited a prayer for such an occasion and provided him with a robe of their brotherhood, and the head monk said it was time to see what was in the tower. The head monk led the new initiate down into the catacombs, deeper and deeper until the head monk found and pressed a loose brick. This opened a secret passage leading to a spiral stair. Up, up they went. Their legs grew tired until the head monk opened a trap door leading to a room surrounded with ivy covered trellises. They were inside the tower now. The head monk opened a door leading to another spiral staircase leading to the room at the very top of the tower. The head monk pulled out a key and unlocked the wooden door, pulling it aside to reveal a rusty iron door. The door clattered as the head monk pulled it open, and behind it was a titanium door. The head monk pressed a six digit PIN on a panel on the door and it slid open. The room was at first too dark to see anything. The head monk flipped a switch and a dim light bulb flickered on. Finally the traveler saw with his own eyes the source of that mysterious sound which he had spent all those years laboring to discover. But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk. [Edited 1 times, lastly by yakusoku on August 17, 2011]
revenger Member	posted August 17, 2011 04:56 PM quote: Originally posted by MeddlingMage:revenger's girl? ~MM Correct. but it should be revenger'swife or rvngrswfe. lol....
Bugger Member	posted August 17, 2011 05:18 PM Aaaah that's a classic, yak. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? Well it's pretty big. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust. An Irishman walks out of a bar. A dyslexic man walks into a bar, doers a drink, pays his bill, finishes his drink, and leaves. Nobody is aware of his condition. A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer walk into a bar because bars serve all kinds of people and do not discriminate. __________________ "I never got any respect at all. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them." -- Rodney Dangerfield
choco man Member	posted August 17, 2011 07:18 PM quote: Originally posted by speechjew: Rick Perry. that's the joke. One man taking credit for making a state great. But hey, Al Gore invented the internet.
Bugger Member	posted August 17, 2011 07:27 PM quote: Originally posted by choco man: One man taking credit for making a state great. But hey, Al Gore invented the internet. I assume your post is also the joke then? Time for lightbulb jokes! How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's kind of an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, lightbulbs are too mainstream. How many zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the zen master is the lightbulb. How many congressmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two - one to reassure the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and one to screw the lightbulb into the sink faucet. __________________ "I never got any respect at all. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them." -- Rodney Dangerfield
JoshSherman Member	posted August 17, 2011 09:53 PM quote: Originally posted by Bugger: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's kind of an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it. I knew the number before it was cool to know the number! __________________ MafiaBassJoshweekLetter Bombs!Logout Mottle Salvation- a new place to play Mafia and WW
oneofchaos Member	posted August 18, 2011 01:11 AM How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? I'd wager enough to kill two and a half men!
ryan2754 Member	posted August 18, 2011 03:01 PM How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the mother, I mean the *****, I mean the ladder. __________________ -Schmitty 7th in Refs [193] in OH-IO (Catching up to jmedina) 2nd in Posts [5887] in OH-IO (Have a long way to go to catch Val) “If Brad Stevens is the future of coaching in college basketball, the sport is in a good place.” - Rick Pitino
Philip papas Member	posted August 18, 2011 03:03 PM This might be the most disgusting joke ever told but someones got to do it. An old beggar was walking through the woods in the middle of winter. cold and hunger he stops at a town and arrives at an inn. he had no money but was very hungry. so he did what beggars do and begged. can i have some food please ...? food? fooood? finally another man comes up and gives him a bowl of chili he starts to gobble it down nomonomnomnomom nomnom nomn nom he gets about half way through and finds a dead mouse... he vomits all the chili back into the bowl and brings it back to the guy who gave it to him. all ****ed off he goes up to the guy and says " there is a dead mouse about half way through this bowl of chili." the guy looks at him and says "yeah about half way down is as far as i got too." and i kid you not, first time i told this joke a random guy who didnt hear the joke busts out and goes who wants some chili like an hour later. [Edited 1 times, lastly by Philip papas on August 18, 2011]
djcards Member	posted August 18, 2011 06:19 PM a spoon and a fork went to dinner together. When the fork got drunk and disorderly the bartender asked the spoon and the fork to leave. When they wouldn't the bartender commanded the spoon to get the fork outta here!
Heresy19 Member	posted August 18, 2011 10:37 PM Little red ridding hood went to the local pub and asked the bartender for a drink. The big bad wolf was already a little tipsy and went to sit right next to her and offered her some drinks. They both got half-drunk and the big bad wolf brought RRH to his place. Everything was perfect, they were kissing and cuddling until the big bad wolf couldn't contain himself and asked little RRH: ''Little red ridding hood, can I make love to you?'' To wich she replied: ''Hey! Stick to the story and eat me!''
rockondon Member	posted August 18, 2011 11:28 PM ^ that's cute. An old guy is feeling lousy and decides to go see the doctor to get checked out. The doc runs some tests and tells him to come back in a few days. When he does the doc says... "I have some bad news for you. You have cancer." The old guy says "oh that's terrible." "That's not all," the doc says, "it also looks like you have alzheimer's." The old guy says "oh man, that's awful. Oh well it could be worse...at least I don't have cancer." __________________ \|My Angels~My P9 l""\|"\__, \|~~My #1 Angel~~l'_\|'_\|_\|) \|(@)(@)""*\|(@)(@)\|(@)
rvngrsgrl76 New Member	posted January 09, 2012 02:56 PM A guy is lookin 4 a really unique christmas present 4 his wife. He has looked everywhere with absolutely no luck. He walks by a pet shop n thinks 2 himself; what the heck i'll go in here n c what i find. He goes in n asks the sales lady what kind of unique gifts she could suggest. She answers that she thinks she may have just what he is lookin 4. She tells him she has a very unique singing parrot, named Chet. He tells her he'd love 2 c it. So, he follows her 2 the back of the store. The sales lady says u gotta c this. She lights a match n holds it under Chet's right foot n he starts singing Jingle Bells. Wow, the man says. Then she holds a lit match under the Chet's left foot n he starts singing Holy Night. He asks her what else he can do n she lights a match n holds it between his legs n he starts singing....Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire. LOL
rvngrsgrl76 New Member	posted October 09, 2012 06:48 PM A mushroom walks into a bar room. He says; "Gimmee a beer." The bartender replies; "No." The mushroom again says; "Gimmee a beer!" The bartender says; "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom then replies; "Why not? I'm a fun...guy (fungi)." LOL. I know it's lame n cheezy but still cute. __________________ _ rvngrsgrl76
speechjew Member	posted October 09, 2012 07:23 PM Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had locomotives.
revenger Member	posted October 09, 2012 07:26 PM quote: Originally posted by speechjew: Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had locomotives. Leave it to speechjew to make me laugh. As I actually lol'ed. __________________ Motl member since November 1, 2000 Your 2008 & 2010 Siskel & Ebert award winner! 33rd in refs on Motl! #1 Ref's for Arizona! I offer 3rd party services. Email me if interested.
ectomanic Member	posted October 10, 2012 01:31 AM Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
AEther Storm Member	posted October 10, 2012 05:29 AM quote: Originally posted by ectomanic: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent." I prefer the more elaborate version, but this is a great joke . Forgive the long (but good) read and perhaps occassionally poor translation, but I love this one. Mike had a rough day, so he sat down in a bar after work and started drinking like hell. After closing time, the bartender told him to go home and sleep it off. Next to the pub was a long and dark alley. "Hey", thought Mike, "ivv I cutz through herez I'll be home beffore the wife wakezz up". So he wandered into the alleway for 5 minutes until he hit an enormous spiderweb. It was so big he couldn't see the top. "sjeez, let's climb the bugger and see where it goezz" he thought and started climbing, he went so high that eventually he came at the gates of heaven where St. Peter was waiting. "Hey", St.Peter said, "you're not supposed to be here yet, I've got to send you back now!". But Mike was looking behind St.Peter and saw a massive party going on in heaven with lots of booze, good music and gorgeous women dancing. "Ohh please St.Peter, let me stay for one hour or so, please please!" After much whining and nagging St.Peter reluctantly agreed. "But only 1 hour! if you're not back here then, I can't send you back anymore". And Mike ran off to party, of course forgetting the time completely and after 2.5 hours he came back. "Please St.Peter, I lost track of time, I'm sorry, send me back, please!!. St.Peter sighed, thought long and hard and said: "Very well, you're lucky I'm in such a good mood. But, it's a long drop down, perhaps you could go back as a spider on a thread, if you don't mind me changing you into a spider for the ride down". "No please do, thank you!!" replied Mike, visibly relieved and so he began his ride down to earth as a spider. But as he neared earth at about 500 meters he noticed his thread was almost used up. So he squeezed and pushed the thread harder from his backside area. At 250 meters the same problem "It's still a long drop, way too long for me, I've gotta keep pushing!" and squeezed even harder. Then at 125 meters, same routine, but Mike noticed his thread was at it's end. "C'mon Mike, give it all you got, only a little further!" and he squeezed and pushed the thread out with all of his might. He then felt someone yanking him at his shoulder and hearing a vague familiar women's voice crying out: "Mike, Mike! Wake up! You're crapping all over our bed!!" __________________ /Thunder in the wind/No rain/Peace mourns its passing/ "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss [Edited 1 times, lastly by AEther Storm on October 10, 2012]
KIP_NZ Member	posted July 31, 2013 04:13 PM Thread Necro time! Only the funniest joke in the world can be worthy of that. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what? __________________ Adrian Eternal Formats Rule Former DCI Level 2 Judge (Retired)
ijuanda Member	posted July 31, 2013 04:55 PM One day Goddett was walking down the street and he ran into Morton who he hadn't seen for a while. "Hey Morton," said Goddet "Where you done been lately?" "Well Goddett." replied Morton, "I been down dere and dat um university learning all 'bout logic." "Logic?" asked Goddett, "What there's that logic?" "Well Goddett i'll give you an example. Have you got a goldfish?" "Yeah I do," replied Goddett. "And is it in a one of them there tanks or a pond?" "Well as a matter of fact Morton it's in a pond." "Well," said Morton "Logic tells me that if got that there fish in a pond you got land." "I have, I have" said Goddett amazed. "Well," said Morton "Logic tells me that if you got land den you probably gotta house on that land. "I have, I have," said Goddett amazed. "Well," said Morton "Logic tells me that if you gotta house on that land then you probably gotta woman living in dat dere house with ya." "I have, I have," said Goddett. "Well," said Morton "Logic tells me that if you gotta woman in that house with ya you probably been doing the business with her." "I am, I am," said Goddett. "Well then let me ask you a question Goddett," said Morton. "How many times of the week do you and the missus be doin the business?" "Nearly every day of the week." answered Goddett. "Well," said Morton "Logic tells me that you're not a wanker." Amazed at Morton's new found knowledge, Goddett headed on down the street where he ran into Gibbett. "Hey Goddett!" said Gibbett "How you dun dere been buddy?" "Oh mate," said Goddett "I been great! I been chatting to Morton over dere bout that thingy Logic. He been down at that there university learning 'bout it." "Logic?" said Gibbett "What's that?" "Well," said Goddett "I'll give you an example. Have you got a goldfish." "Nup," said Gibbett. "Well, then you're a wanker!"
broiler1977 Member	posted July 31, 2013 05:16 PM A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been doing" The wife replies "That's not a pig, it's a duck!" The man says "I was talking to the duck"

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