quote:

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Originally posted by Lan2_13:
I don't get it...

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quote:

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Originally posted by Montague:
I need 3 people for this joke so just for arguement's sake, plus the fact that I dont really know anybody on here i am going to use the last 3 people that posted, GMontag, Rockondon, Daner. Hope I dont offend anybody.

One day 3 people died in a car crash: GMontag, Rockondon, Daner. They were immeadiatly taken to heaven where they were met by Jesus. Jesus says, " Do anything you want as long as you never step on a duck". So the three people went thru the pearly gate and they were amazed that the ground was completly covered with ducks. The next day GMontag stepped on a duck and was met by jesus who handcuffed him to one of the ugliest girls he has ever seen. Jesus says, "as punishment for stepping on a duck you must now be handcuffed to this ugly girl for the rest of eternity"! Later Rockondon stepped on a duck and was also handcuffed to the ugliest girl he had ever seen. Daner just kind of laughed at them and was very careful not to step on any ducks. A week later while they were all standing there Jesus came to daner and handcuffed the most beautiful girl he had ever seen to his arm. "Wow, what in the world did I do to deserve this", Daner asked. the girl answers, "well I dont know what you did, but I stepped on a duck"!

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There is this man who has a birth-defect.

His certain part of his anatomy (Think about it) is 25 inches long.

He goes to the doctor to see if anything can be done short of going under the knife.

The doctor says, "Whoa, theres nothing we can do here, but there is this witch in the forest that might be able to help you out"

The man figures he has nothing to lose so goes and tries to find the witch.

After a couple of hours searching, he finally locates the witch and explains his problem.

She says "Whoa, theres nothing I can do for ya, sonny, but theres this enchanted frog in the forest that every time you ask it to marry you and every time it says no, your problem should shrink 5 inches."

The man again figures he has nothing to lose and goes in search of this enchanted frog.

After hours of feeling stupid, asking each frog to marry him, he finally finds the enchanted one.

He yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks over and says, "No" and it shrinks 5 inches.

The man figures, "Well, it worked the first time, lets try again."

The man yells out, "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks over and replies "No" and shrinks another 5 inches.

The man gets excited now and thinks, one more time, and Ill be set.

He yells out to the frog one more time, "Frog, please marry me?"

The frog looks over and replies sarcastically, "For the last time, NO, NO, NO!"

there is a fish swimming six inches under the water, he looks up at the fly 6 inches above the water and thinks
"if the fly comes down 6 inches and i go up 6 inches i can eat the fly"
a bear sitting on the waters edge also notices the situation and thinks
"if the fly goes down 6 inches the fish comes up 6 inches fish gets fly i can get the fish"
a hunter sitting on the other side of the river seees the situation at hand thinking to himself
"fly goes down 6 inches fish comes up, fish gets fly bear gets fish i get clear shot at the bear"
a bush mouse is scuttering past and sees the senario thinking
"fly goes down 6 inches, fish comes up and gets the fly, bear gets fish, hunter shoots bear and i can get his cheesse sandwich"
the hunters cat sees the mouse and thinks
" fly comes down 6 inches fish comes up 6 inches fish gets fly,bear gets fish, hunter shoots bear mouse gets the cheese sandwich i get the mouse"
so the fly drops down 6 inches the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish the hunter shoots the bear mouse gets the cheese sandwich and the cat misses the mouse and ends up in the water.

Moral of the story
Whenever the fly drops 6 inches there is always a wet
........................................cat
hopefully i can get away without a slap

quote:

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Originally posted by Evil-C:

Moral of the story
Whenever the fly drops 6 inches there is always a wet
........................................cat
hopefully i can get away without a slap

EDIT: Enjoy your karma smack. ~BoltBait

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I didn't get it. I simply didn't.

__________________
Confusing MOTL members since February 21, 2002.

quote:

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Originally posted by avendor:
ok I got one, its a bit dirty but I can improvise without getting karma smacked.

There is this man who has a birth-defect.

His certain part of his anatomy (Think about it) is 25 inches long.

He goes to the doctor to see if anything can be done short of going under the knife.

The doctor says, "Whoa, theres nothing we can do here, but there is this witch in the forest that might be able to help you out"

The man figures he has nothing to lose so goes and tries to find the witch.

After a couple of hours searching, he finally locates the witch and explains his problem.

She says "Whoa, theres nothing I can do for ya, sonny, but theres this enchanted frog in the forest that every time you ask it to marry you and every time it says no, your problem should shrink 5 inches."

The man again figures he has nothing to lose and goes in search of this enchanted frog.

After hours of feeling stupid, asking each frog to marry him, he finally finds the enchanted one.

He yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks over and says, "No" and it shrinks 5 inches.

The man figures, "Well, it worked the first time, lets try again."

The man yells out, "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks over and replies "No" and shrinks another 5 inches.

The man gets excited now and thinks, one more time, and Ill be set.

He yells out to the frog one more time, "Frog, please marry me?"

The frog looks over and replies sarcastically, "For the last time, NO, NO, NO!"

AG

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God, not even a comment and this one shouldve been the funniest out of all of them.

If you didnt laugh at this one, you simply have no sense of humor at all.

A. so he could watch TV

quote:

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Originally posted by avendor:
If you didnt laugh at this one, you simply have no sense of humor at all.
AG

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Or if like me you think about it in the reverse We all have a sense of humor and thus didn't laugh at it

If i was an Enzyme id so be Helicase that was i could unzip your genes (hehehe, if pyr0 read this he would get it )

They're both ****ing close to water.

What's green and doesn't move?
Same baby three weeks later.

There's a politically incorrect joke thread at another forum I frequent. It gets ridiculous sometimes, but I usually still laugh.

quote:

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Originally posted by GottaLoveElves:
Tom Cruise.

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Why did the Tom Cruise away?
He was being attacked by psychologists!

I am so on fire!

__________________
5 out of 3 scientists agree: Grevypoo is kewter than Jesus.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

A man pulls up next to a girl walking home from school and said: "If you get in, I'll give you a Lollypop."

The girl kept on walking and the man said: "If you get in I'll give you two Lollypops."

The girl kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued walking. The man said: "Get in and I'll give you a whole bag of Lollypops."

Finally, the girl turned and said: "Look Dad, You bought the FORD, You ride in it!!!"

[DISCLAIMER: I don't golf, so if I happen to name any clubs that don't exist, just insert the appropriate existing ones and read it like that instead]

Jesus and Moses go golfing and after a couple of holes they come to a water hazard. Moses is up first. It's a fairly sizeable hazard, so he uses his driver and hits his ball across. When it's Jesus's turn, he turns to Moses and says "I've seen Arnold Palmer pull off something like this with his 5-Iron. If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it."
So he takes out his 5-Iron, swings, and the ball goes straight into the hazard. Moses walks down the hill, parts the water, picks up the golf ball, puts it back on its tee, and says "Look, it's no big deal. Just use your driver and get it across so we can keep going." Jesus replies angrily, "No! I'm the Son of Man. And if Arnold Palmer can do something, I can too." So, of course, he tries again. And, of course, again it falls into the water. And again, Moses walks down, parts the water, picks up the ball, and puts it back on the tee. He tells Jesus, "Fine, you can spend all day trying to do this, but from now on you're getting the balls yourself. I'm not doing it anymore." Jesus shrugs and gets ready to try again.
At around this time, the next group is coming up the hill. One of the members walks up just after Jesus has for a third time failed to clear the pond with his 5-Iron and the first thing he sees is Jesus walking across the water to retrieve the ball. When he reaches Moses, he asks him "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ or something?". Moses sighs and replies "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

quote:

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Originally posted by MAB_Rapper:
Eh, should have been the Detroit Lions.

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Fixed.

Q: How do blondes do the moon walk?
A: They pull down their pants and drag their ass across the floor.

Two blondes walk into a building. You think one of them would have seen it.

Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: German soldiers like marching in the shade.

__________________
Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

Wife goes to the doctor and asks the doctor if there was anything that she could do for her husband as he was having troubles "performing". And the doctor replied that he can come in and he would check him over and likely be able to perscribe something. And she answered "oh no doctor! He would never be able to talk about it to you let alone me. Don't you just have a pill or something I could try him on?"
Doctor replies "Normally I wouldn't do this but I'll give you one pill and you can give it to him and when you are back next week tell me how it went.
A week later she returns and the doctor asked how it went. She replied I have good news and bad news. Good news is I crushed the pill up in his coffe just like you said and then there we were on the table making passionate love for a whole hour. You singlehandedly saved our marriage.
Doctor replied "What's the bad news?"
She answered "We're banned for life from Starbucks"

1) How can you tell a blonde has been using a computer? There's white out all over the screen.

2) How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pen.

3) A suicidal blonde, brunette and redhead all jump off of the roof of a building at the same time. Who was the last woman to hit the ground? The blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions.

and finally, a joke that is somewhat funny:

Karen had been having some troubles dating. Time and time again, she went out with a guy until she felt comfortable enough to take it one step further. After seeing her naked, the guy would not call and would not return her calls.

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