quote:

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Originally posted by Kung_Fuscious:
Q. why did the architect have his house made backwards?

A. so he could watch TV

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Cool, a 2 year old post!

__________________
Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

quote:

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Originally posted by Kung_Fuscious:
Cool, a 2 year old post!

Geddit??!

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+_+_+_

What food ruins your sex life?

Wedding cake

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Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.-

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

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Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals. - Robin Williams

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Marriage, the leading cause of divorce.

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I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

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ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restarant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for kill.

L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top..she has another O word.

P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun.

S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during ********.

U is for understatement. Saying you hate that f***ing bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

.. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

__________________
Aim: Revenger72 Let's chat now! Magic, FF, Star Wars! Anything!

Need a 3rd party trade? Contact me at this email address.

An elderly but still healthy woman just lost her husband. Not wanting to spend the rest of her life alone, she put out a personal ad. It read, "Widow looking for a man to keep me company for the rest of my days. My only requests are that you do not run around on me, that you don't beat me, and that you are still good in bed"

A few days later, the widow was becoming upset that she hasn't had any responses when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door, and in front of her sits an elderly man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

"I'm here because of your ad" he says.

"But you don't have any arms or legs?!" the woman responds.

"Exactly", says the man. "I can't run around on you because I don't have any legs, and I can't beat you because I don't have any arms."

The woman looks a bit confused, then asks "Well, are you still good in bed?"

'Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!' exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'

quote:

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Originally posted by Troll:
A VERY ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. 'What are you so happy about?' asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I discovered a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.'

'Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!' exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'

‘Don't know. Never found the head.'

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That's just wrong lol

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?

Frosted Flakes

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to find a corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?

A teacher asked all her students to share a story that had a moral with the class for the next day. The next day came, and all the students had given their story but one. When the teacher asked him to share his story, he said shyly, "OK, this is one my daddy told me about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was in Vietnam, and was shot out of his airplane. He parachuted down into a group of 100 Vietnamese soldiers with nothing but a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."
Curiosity piqued, the teacher asked, "Well, what happened?" The boy replied, "Well, he drank the bottle of whiskey on the way down in case the bottle would've broke, and when he landed, he killed 70 of the soldiers with his machine gun before it jammed, 20 of the soldiers with the machete until the blade broke, and he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
Shocked, the teacher asked, "And what kind of moral can you get from this horrible story?" The boy replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

__________________
Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

Q: What has 4 legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull

Things to ponder:
-If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
-Did God create man before woman because he didn't want any advice?
-If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?
-If only the good die young, what does that say about senior citizens?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"You see, this is my oldest son. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."
The second terrorist says, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

A Candian, Osama bin Laden and George W Bush are out walking together one day when they come across a lantern. They rub the lantern and a genie pops out, and grants each man one wish.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, POOF! the land in Canada is made forever fertile for farming.

Bin Laden is amazed, so he says, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.". Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, POOF! there is a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W Bush says, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable."

Did you hear the one about the magician? He was driving down the road and he turned into a driveway.

2.-
R.R. Hood was walking throught the forest when she spots the wolf behind a bush.
she exclaims " I see you behind that bush Mr Wolf!", so the wolf quickly flees
she keeps walking when she see the wolf again behind a rock and yells out "I see you behind that rock Mr. Wolf!!"
the wolf again runs away. R.R> Hood follows teh trail again and a few minutes later catches the wolf behing a tree and yells out" I see you behind that tree Mr. Wolf!!!" the wolf turns at her and screams " Can't a wolf take a dump around these woods?!"

ALSO take a look at my Signature.

__________________
"I intend to Live forever, so far so good"

"I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."

__________________
Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

quote:

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Originally posted by Battle_of_Twits:
It was Halloween night, and after all the trick-or-treaters had come, a woman went to go to bed when she heard the doorbell. She answered the door, and there was a little boy dress in all red. The woman reached for her bag of candy and asked, "And what are you supposed to be?" The boy said, "I'm your period. Sorry I'm late." The woman laughed, and gave the boy all the candy she had left.

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LOL! Ok, that is now my favorite joke.

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

<snip>

I don't care who told you this one, it's not appropriate for a family site.

quote:

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Originally posted by nderdog:
Ground rules for this thread, use some common sense. Anything that would be an inappropriate topic elsewhere isn't to be posted here. This includes jokes involving racism and gay-bashing to name a few.

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__________________
There's no need to fear, UNDERDOG is here!

All your Gruul Nodorogs are belong to me. Trade them to me, please!

Report rules violations.

The auditor began with, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win all of your money by gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” replied Ralph. “How about a little demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment then said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Ralph said, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought a moment and replied, “No way! It’s a bet.”

So Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The auditor’s jaw dropped.

Next, Ralph said, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor could see it was obvious Ralph wasn’t blind, so he took the bet. Where upon, Ralph removed his dentures and “bit” his good eye.

The stunned auditor realized he had just wagered and lost three grand with Ralph’s attorney as a witness, and he began to get a little nervous.

“Want to go for double or nothing?” Ralph asked. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, was really cautious now, but he looked carefully at the situation and decided that there was no way this guy could manage a stunt like that, so he agreed to the wager.

Ralph stood beside the desk and unzipped his pants, urinating all over the IRS official’s desk. The auditor leaped with joy, realizing that he had just turned a major loss into a huge win.

Meanwhile, Ralph’s attorney moaned and put his head between his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asked.

“Not really,” answered the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official’s desk and that you’d be real happy about it.

__________________
Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

Thanks,
Jazaray

__________________
A Plastered Dragon Original Limerick:
There was a nice lassie named Jaz
Many wished to have what she has,
A delicate face,
A soft warm embrace,
And a whole lot of bedroom pizzazz.

quote:

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Originally posted by Battle_of_Twits:
Joke

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LOL, I tell the same joke only differently, involving a bar(naturally), bartender and a room full of patrons!

~MM

__________________
I am MeddlingMage...YOUR Motl Survivor 11 Champion and 2007 Captain N award winner, and I approve this siggy!

Who is the poorest person in West Virginia?
--The dentist!!!

(In case he is watching, actually my dad is a licensed dentist in west virginia and makes a pretty good income specializing in tooth implant surgery to replace lost teeth.)

quote:

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Originally posted by jshields:
Who is the poorest person the UK?
--The dentist!!!

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Fixed. But yeah. BoT and I both have service industry related jobs in WV. And we just had a full moon near the first of the month. Did I mention we live in WV?

__________________
"I intend to Live forever, so far so good"

"I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."

I know it's lame but i still LOL.